My Rainbow Baby Fear

For those of you who are unaware of what a Rainbow Baby is, it’s a term of endearment given to the children of stillborn parents. Given to the baby born after a stillborn baby. The rainbow after the horrific storm parents endure. For me, it's my Rainbow Baby Fear.

Many parents of stillbirths try again immediately after their loss. Most doctors usually say “After your 3rd cycle you can start trying again.” Some even say after your first cycle. I envy those parents who are able to immediately start trying.

It will be 2 years in May since we lost our son and I am still not ready to try for the rainbow baby. Honestly, I’m not 100% sure if I’ll ever be.

At times I feel I may be the only Invisible mother out there who wants to remain invisible until my heart can bare another possible bad outcome. I remind myself that with as many people out there in the world and as many invisible mothers that exist, I can not be the only person out there that feels this way.

I’m not proud of feeling this way but I do believe it is a valid way of feeling. They are my feelings and should be respected. My husband is patient with me. He would love nothing else but to be a father but he understands that for now, it’s out of the question until I too am ready. Communication and understanding is key with your partner.

I’ve read a few things that help me try to figure out when I'd be ready. This isn't for everyone. But i've found this helpful. I'll share them with you below:

There are many stages of grief. Which stage are you in? (Denial, Bargaining, depression and acceptance)

Do you need assistance managing your grief?

Support Groups or Therapists can assist with healthy way to work through grief.

Would you be able to manage your grief with the stress of a new pregnancy?

Are you prepared to possible road blocks of trying and getting negative pregnancy tests?

Are you prepared of another possible loss?

Is your partner ready?

Remember there is no easy way to figure out if you’re ready and there's no real right or wrong answer to that question. It’s OK to be ready right away and it’s OK to not be. We are all different people trying to get through this thing called life after stillbirth. Practice self care, communicate with your loved ones and always seek help if you need it. I'm on this road too and I really hope to welcome the rainbow with an open heart and arms someday

All My Love <3