Coming Home Empty Handed

As some of you may or may not know I was told the fate my child may have while 23 weeks pregnant. My baby had an enlarged heart and hydrops which doesn't leave much chance for survival. While I stayed hopeful I also tried to prepare myself for the future. Whatever that may have been. I knew that in order to overcome this I would have to begin to come to terms with it all.

I read many blogs by women that had gone through similar situations. I found so much peace from them. This is one of the main reasons I decided to share my stories in hopes to help someone else.

So much had happened between the time I found out the bad news (23 Weeks) to when I delivered (25 weeks). That included tons of tests to figure out what could be done and in the end NOTHING.

I knew I didn't want to be in the hospital any longer ( I had been in the hospital due to many complications for 2 weeks). After being released for a short period I gave stillbirth on May 28th.

After giving stillbirth I knew I had to continue forward and had to go home empty handed. My journey of hope and positiveness had ended. This was now the time to start the journey of figuring out how to continue living with the most intense empty feeling in my heart.

While most homecomings are filled with happiness mine was filled with anxiety and hormones. (I know this happens in happy cases too) Even though you have lost your baby your body still believes there is one there. The human body is a beautiful and amazing thing. Unfortunately it doesn't know your baby is no longer with you and to cut you a break.

While I was so grateful to have my family near me at all times I was also very short tempered. I felt I could explode at any minute. I knew this wasn't me; it was my hormones. I tried to keep my calm in between the tears, the pain and the anger. Through it all I still had to figure out cremation and funeral arrangements. This was all so heavy on my heart that my husband had to do the majority of the planning.

To top it off by the 3rd day postpartum my breasts were unearthly massive. I couldn't even put my arms down next to my sides, they were so big and so unbearably painful. This is when reality hit me in the face, nice and hard. My baby was GONE. My breast where ready for him, they needed him to relieve this pain and NOTHING. I became very sad during this time. It was for me the hardest part after stillbirth. BUT I kept on moving forward and tried my best to push through the physical and emotional pain. Luckily I had my husband by my side that tried his best to help me every step of the way.

That's all for now. Below I have some tips I used in order to help with lactation after still birth.

EXPRESSING JUST ENOUGH MILK

DON'T overdo it or your body will think it needs to produce more. Best place I found to do this was in the shower. Take room temperature showers, (NOT HOT) lean forward and small amounts of milk will drip and relieve your pain.

COLD COMPRESSES

Lansinoh Therapearl is what I used and it helped with the swelling of my breast and basically numbed them so I couldn't feel the pain anymore. You can find them at TARGET.

CABBAGE

Helped with engorgement and reduced pain. BEWARE you get a bit smelly.

SAGE TEA

Sage is known to stop production of milk.

IBUPROFEN

GOD SENT! Get your doctor to proscribe 800mg. I was in pain from all kinds of things after stillbirth. This helped me so much