I am still here

I've been gone for a few months. Life really caught up to me but in a positive way. I have spent the past few months being a maid of honor in my best friends wedding, becoming a fist time home owner, getting a new job and helping my husband with his business. It's been a busy but successful few months.

I purchased a fixer upper that has become in a way, my baby. Maybe this home fills an emptiness inside of me. I'm not sure if that is healthy, strange or normal. But it's my reality.

We've tackled the home improvements on our own alongside my father and a few family members. We've faced challenges but have definitely overcome them.

A few important dates have come and gone. March marked a year from our gender reveal. That also was a day that my husband received AMAZING personal news. We were convinced it was Noel sprinkling positiveness our way. Mothers day came and went. I am working at a new place where no one knows what happened to me. They also didn't know if I had children and asked if I was a mom. I froze, nervously laughed and all I could respond was "That's a long story, but yes?" I felt so stupid, insensitive to myself for answering that way. I guess I wasn't prepared to be asked that. I still have yet to share my story with them. Not sure why I'm so hesitant. Besides that Mothers day was sweet spent with my family who were all very supportive and included me as a BRAVE mother. An unexpected friend wished me a Happy Mothers day which was also sweet.

MAY 28th is near. This will mark 1 year from my loss. I cried yesterday. I'll admit, I cried some today. I STILL sometimes think that maybe this happened because I wouldn't have made a good mother. Or maybe I wasn't ready. I DESPISE thinking this way. BUT again, THIS IS MY REALITY. This is how I think sometimes. I do try my best to not think this way. Things happen. Stillbirth is very real and very unfair. I just have to remind myself to continue. Not just any kind of continuing but to live for NOEL. To try to be happy and to try to be a good person, a person he'd be proud of.

In a nutshell, this is where I've been.

I'll stay near by and update more often.

All the positive vibes and love your way <3